@clarkysj Funny Status Messages

   Wales.... the only country where you can get a delicious hotpot, a smashing jumper and a decent shag... all from the same animal!

   1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375 GB in about 3 seconds... And you thought virgin broadband was fast.....

   When I was at school I belonged to a gang called The Secret Seven and we were sworn to secrecy. We were so good that I never found out who the other six were.

   BBC News: Questions being asked why bomb detecting equipment didn't detect fake bomb on board plane which flew from London to Istanbul. Erm, because it wasn't a bomb?

   I sell balloons for 10p each or if you want them blown up it's 15p. I've adjusted the price to cover inflation.

   After the 2.2 magnitude earthquake in Blackpool, a huge crack has appeared on the promenade. The Tourist Board are said to be delighted that Jordan has decided to take a holiday there.

   I just had an email saying "You may be entitled to £3750 for that accident you had." It must have been pretty bad, I can't even remember it happening.

   I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine!!! Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

   What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion! (I'm here all day)

   My internet went down yesterday. I think my neighbour forgot to pay the bill. How irresponsible.

   Yahoo News - "World's oldest man dies". Why does this keep happening?!

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   Security stopped me at the airport last night. He said, "Do you mind if we search your luggage?" I said, "It depends, what for?" He said, "Drugs." I said, "In that case, no."

   Ovens are a lot like sex. Women want them preheated first - Men just shove it in and don't care.

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   The Royal Wedding, live on YouTube. The Royal Honeymoon, live on RedTube.

   10 years. Trillions of dollars. Thousands of soldiers dead. State of the art technology. The US finally found Bin Laden - In his house.

   I seriously can't stand it when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.