flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Few things stress me out as much as a waiter who doesn't write the order down.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.

   I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   This woman's so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she's not wearing a ring. Thanks hon, but wrong finger

   If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple 'Thank you.' is all I need! Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business!

   I can't express my level of disappointment when I'm scrolling and see "Robin Hood:" and it's "Prince of Thieves" and not "Men In Tights"

   Just once I want to see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.

   I just won my 143rd straight dance off against that Walmart greeter.

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   I'm completely indifferent when you call me big poppa

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   I need a volunteer to make sure when I die, my obituary reads: he laid down that boogie and played that funky music til he died.

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   When someone looks over my shoulder while I'm on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, "HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME."

   The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

   Sometimes I think I'm too picky. Then I watch my dog look for a place to poop

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping. Unfortunately it cost me my YMCA membership.