SeaN Funny Status Messages

   a new postage stamp shaped like a vAjAy was introduced yesterday but it's not selling well cos only 5% of men know how 2 lick it properly!

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   After I won my divorce trial I FEDexd my ex-wife's attorney a consolation prize of a broom and a witches hat.

   How can a slim chance and a fat chance mean the same thing

   every time I see a mattress strapped to the top of a car I think its a prosty making house calls.

   People who can't find happiness aren't in a liquor store

   the moment when your channel surfing and power rangers pop up and you think to yourself wow I used to watch a group of teenagers in tights beat up people in monster outfits

   A lot of people constantly complain about Monday's, Tuesday's and Wednesday's being the worst part of the week, I have discovered that with the right mix of Jack Daniels and sleeping pills those days no longer have to happen.

   I get hit on by so many cougar, the discovery channel & Antiques road show offered me my own show called Vintage Gash Hunter

   So...... Stub Hub isn't a dating site for quadriplegics?

   Few things broadcast one's idiocy like driving a car that has wheels that look like they cost more than the car itself

   Just once on "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", I'd like to hear someone in the family say, "This isn't quite what I had in mind

   Going to watch the True Blood finale now. After watching the Tea Party debate, I need to experience something closer to reality

   Just found out What the Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"

   I cant believe I saw a woman wearing slippers in church today! I almost dropped my beer.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I hate when people see me at the super market & the're like "Hey what you doing here?" & I'm just like "Oh you know hunting zebras"

   When a cop pulls you over for doing 32 in a 30, I dont advise calling him a Nazi, unless you are looking for 3 square meals a day and a shower, fml

   4 shots of 5 hour energy this morning, not only do I look like I have Parkinsons, but I can actually see sound waves resonating when people talk to me.

   My ex offered me a ride to the appointment, I declined and politely told her that I didn't think we would both fit on her broom...