flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Your restaurant's policy regarding how the wait staff behaves when it's a customer's birthday tells me whether or not I'll ever eat there again

   As far as I can tell, the only thing ghosts do is set up obstacle courses when I have to get up in the middle of the night to pee

   The imaginary enemy of my enemy is my imaginary friend.

   I've spent way too much of my life wondering why food doesn't rhyme with good.

   Just ate a bunch of garbage. Disgusting. That's the last time I pay attention to a raccoon's Yelp review.

   It's so easy to criticize. Seriously, it's awesome how easy it is.

   I would pay good money for a painting of Snoop Dogg and Dog the Bounty Hunter playing poker.

   Got a headache from looking at all the options of headache relief.

   The clearer your conscience, the more likely you are to answer a call from an unknown number.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   A fun game to play at a party is to see how many pairs of socks you can sniff before the host asks you to leave.

   Well, it's almost time to show up late for something else.

   I would love to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

   I always clench up before I drive into a tunnel because I'm afraid Wile E. Coyote might have just drawn it on there.

   There is no problem so big that it can't be solved with a little self-delusion.

   When people ask me if I play "Draw Something," I take a piece of paper, "draw" the word "NO," and then hand it to them.

   I was excited there was a 'The Paperboy' movie until I watched the trailer and found out it wasn't based on the old Nintendo game.

   You can usually tell which people dressed as mascots on the side of the road are only doing it for the money.

   The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you'd react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

   Wetting the bed is embarrassing enough as it is. I could do without the laughs from these jerks at Mattress Warehouse