aaron Funny Status Messages

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   I don’t just act crazy, I’ll drive you there too.

   If hearing “I love you” was enough, we’d all buy parrots and live happily ever after.

   "Everything the light touches is ours," I tell my son while opening the fridge.

   Some humans believe that escalators have special powers that suck all moving abilities from their legs as soon as their feet touch one.

   Nothing's says I'm guilty of every crime imaginable quite like using your blinker to pull into your driveway...

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   Not to interrupt your story, but do you have a completely different and possibly shorter story?

   "Grapey." -me after every wine at the wine-tasting

   The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old. So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

   It took dozens and dozens of flushes, but my guinea pig's funeral is finally over.

   Heart pounding, pupils dilated, fingers trembling, dry mouth, sweaty palms, rising feeling of panic... Where the hell has my phone gone?

   Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.

   When I die, it will most likely be of embarrassment

   If you pour two beers in one glass, it's just one beer.

   It is a big burden being the only one who can prevent forrest fires.

   Theoretically if China went to the moon and knocked over our flag what would we do about it

   Above and beyond? I mostly go below and around.

   The winds of change can blow me.