sean Funny Status Messages

   I really hope these new sanctions on Russia doesn't affect Vidka prices

   Now Falcons fans feel like Hillary supporters felt like on election night

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   Balls - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   Tonight I changed my wife's contacts in her phone. She should be getting texts tomorrow from Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger and have no idea who they are, I doubt she'll be upset......

   Ive started reading my boys facebook statuses at night instead of bedtime stories, so they'll understand the importance of an education.....

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me this morning before work.... "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm already married."

   I'm not saying she's a slut.... but she got fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job ..

   Just got in an argument w the drive thru cashier at McDonalds.. #ArchMadness ‬

   I feel like ever since Matthew McConaughey won the Oscar he has just been driving around in Lincolns drinking Wild Turkey

   My ex-wife was such a fabulous cook, even the smoke detectors cheered her on....

   The worst part of working for the Department of Unemployment is when you get fired you still have to show up the next day.

   my bodies a temple...Well more like a catholic church,, full of wine bread and guilt...

   Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs

   my therapist told me to write letters to everyone I hate and then to burn them, now I don't know what to do with all these letters...

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   does eating tide pods take skid marks out of underwear...Asking for a friend

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   Dear kids snorting rubbers don't worry,, Your parents didn't know how to use them properly either...

   Breaking News: Federal authorities rule you can't be prescribed medical marijuana if your taking laxitives, Apparently you need to $h*t or get off the pot...