joser Funny Status Messages

   When your favorite song comes on and you excitedly say "Yo this is my jam!" You should know, I die a little bit inside for knowing you.

   I'm on the best diet ever. It's called the "I'm too hungover to eat" diet.

   I can buy my own sugar. What I need is an insurance mama...

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   "Leprosy can't be all bad. It has "rosy" in its name!" -super positive counselor at a leper colony

   "Hangover" makes it sounds like it's all done now. I'd like to propose the term "hanghappening".

   So yeah I just went outside and I'm pretty sure I won't be doing that again until at least October.

   beer doesn't make me post better Facebook Status updates, it just makes me not care what you think of them.

   I honestly don't care if you think I'm crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination anyway. Coffee:

   for every action there will be someone to have a complete overreaction.

   You post one little joke saying you won the lottery and Facebook finds you 1,347 new possible relatives.

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   The cost of a stamp is going up 2 cents. I'll e-mail all my friends and let them know.

   I've lost most of my hearing, but it's okay because it turns out the only thing people say to me is "nothing, nevermind."

   A procrastinator's work is never done.

   a bartender is just an under-qualified pharmacist.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   it's impossible to fool-proof anything because fools are so ingenious.

   headed out for a quiet beer. Followed by ten noisy ones...