Doc Noland Funny Status Messages

   I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.

   I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   Time is running out for me to discover the meaning of life

   I just put my left hand in the friend zone

   Only Peyton can still set Super Bowl record while team is behind a hundred points

   Not to brad but you'll probably see a special on A&E about me one day.

   Just farted myself out of a dead nap, so yeah, you could say I've got sexual dynamo on lockdown!

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   The only reason I liked your post was because I was trying to clean a smudge off my screen.

   This whiskey would pair nicely with soft bosoms.

   Hey! Idiot! 74 hashtags is good for your instagram picture! No...not 2 or 3...74.

   Idiots who have lift kits on their trucks and have over 22 inch rims use Axe on their tires.

   Bob Costas' eyes went down on Ludmila Pachinko.

   Valentine Day weekend is over. I think Helen Keller plays the role of cupid in my love life.

   A part of me wants to go on a diet and eat healthy. Sadly that part of me is a liar

   Going in Build-A-Bear shirtless wasn't creepy until I started holding up unstuffed animals asking the cashier which ones match my eyes

   Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.

   I tried on a Trojan Magnum...its really hard to breathe in those things.

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?