Aaron Funny Status Messages

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak welfare.

   When a job interviewer asks, "Where do you see yourself in five years?", it's a test to see if you own a time machine.

   One in two people suffer from chronic suspicion. Could it be the person you're with RIGHT NOW??

   We were making out on the couch and She's like "Let's take this upstairs" I'm like "Ok you grab one side and I'll grab the other!"

   This status update is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you would not have been notified.

   I often wonder what tomatoes did to make the other fruits disown them and force them to live as vegetables.

   I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

   There should be a mandatory day on facebook where everyone must turn off their spell-checker so we can weed out the retards.

   I'd love to make money at home in my spare time. But counterfeiting is harder than you'd think.

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   found a squirrel trapped in a birdfeeder and can't help but feel like I should leave it in there a few hours to think about what he has done

   Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

   it illegal to put "avenge my death" in your will

   A cat jumps into a cab and yells, “Follow that red dot!”

   The Karma cafe has no menus. You get served what you deserve.

   I raise the bar when it comes to lowering standards.

   It suddenly dawns on me, I'm gonna have to punch my way out of this nursing home.

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records" and "shallow grave."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.