Nobody Funny Status Messages

   Don't let your past tell you how to live your present and future!

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   My local post office uses four checkouts unless it's really busy; then they use one.

   I don't know what you see in me, but daily I'm thrilled that you see whatever it is that you see.

   My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   I am sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife that her ass don't look fat in those jeans and keep a straight face at the same time.

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   Ladies: Before you marry a guy, ask yourself, "will he be a good killing partner during the zombie apocalypse?"

   Rose are red, Violets are blue, Babe you're single, Cause I am dumping you.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   You need a best friend you can have sex with.

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   I'm not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during 'If I could turn back time' does she think about killing Hitler.

   Happy Birthday Weed!

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.