joser Funny Status Messages

   Google just returned 3,250,000,000 results for my search. Cancel my afternoon appointments.

   I see Coke is once again running their popular "Look Under the Cap to Try Again" contest.

   Will work for salary and benefits with an annual cost of living increase but not on weekends, statutory holidays, or during 3-week vacation.

   I find my nose is always itchiest right before I scratch it.

   A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine...

   thinks that the worst part about not being able to log into Facebook is not having a place to complain about not being able to get on Facebook.

   Wave your hands in the air! Wave ‘em all around like you're relatively indifferent to the current situation in which you find yourself!

   Dear Life, You have some explaining to do...

   I like to follow up a compliment with a threat. For example, "Nice shirt! I'll fight you for it."

   I really don't think baby steps is an effective way of getting somewhere. For one thing, they fall on their faces half the time.

   I have accumulated considerable wealth which, along with my collection of firearms, makes me very attractive to women. (Every rap song)

   Bumper stickers I'd like to give out: I BRAKE FOR NO REASON / MY OTHER SIGNAL IS OFF / HONK IF YOU HATE WAITING AT GREEN LIGHTS

   If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.

   I hate when people say "have a nice day." Like I'm gonna be in anguish later then think "Oh yeah, Truck Driver guy told me to have a nice day."

   It must be a real self-esteem killer for a fat lady if the show always ends after she sings.

   Happy Father's Day to all the Dads who went out to get some milk, and actually came back home.

   None of my illegitimate sons sent me a card today. B@stards.

   Judging by the lack of Fathers Day cards I received in the mail today, I'm guessing your m0m never told you.

   Saying irregardless makes you sound irridiculous.

   For sale: Mini large-screen TV. Save space! Only 27"! Also available: giant portable TV. A whopping 27"!