Aaron Funny Status Messages

   What if birds are just out of control napkins.

   I would pay good money to see the mayhem guy from Allstate hook up with Flo from Progressive.

   There are good status updates, then there are bad status updates ... then there's 50 feet of crap, then there's mine.

   Just fell asleep in a library like a homeless person.

   In class: 2+2=4 Homework: 2+4+2=8 Exam: John had 4 apples. He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun's mass.

   My vegetarian friend could not understand why I brought a bottle of ketchup on our hiking trip. “In case we get lost.” He's slow. Tasty slow.

   Nothing says success like waking up at 6:00 pm.

   In most conversations, my face is basically a red battery logo with 10% written next to it.

   I don't have health insurance, but I do have car insurance. So whenever I get sick I just go crash my car into a tree.

   Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.

   You don't need training to be a garbage collector. You just pick it up as you go along.

   My arm fell asleep again. Time to draw a mustache on it.

   I wouldn't say I'm an alcoholic. I'd slur it.

   i'd give you everything if I knew you wouldn't take it.

   I hope the new Superman movie is just two hours of Clark Kent frantically searching for a phone booth.

   Having trouble getting onto your horse? Simply ride up beside it on your giraffe and then jump down.

   Saw a headline that read 'Woman beats off rapist' and thought.. Well that seems like a reasonable compromise.

   "Sir, could you please step out of the vehicle?" "I'm too drunk, Officer. You get in."

   Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, "To my sandwich!"

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.