Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Can you believe this guy, officer? Committing suicide in my trunk without my permission. There should be some kind of law about this.

   If I ever become rich and famous, I won't forget my friends. They will be a fond and nostalgic memory.

   I killed my twin because he wouldn't admit that he was the evil one.

   "Sorry I brought that up." - Bulimics

   New favorite term: Multislacking. It's nice to find a name for something you're good at.

   If I could do a back flip you'd know it because that's how I would exit every room.

   I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

   I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

   Everytime I hear of someone that was attacked by a shark, I think "didn't they hear the music?"

   When you say, "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans," all I hear is, "There's a bear out there who knows how to use matches."

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   You know when doctors leave the room they are just checking Web MD right?

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?

   My computer asks "Delete cookies?" Cookie Monster pounds on my door, shouting, "NOOOO! KEEP COOKIES!"

   My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.

   Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   I carry a knife, but it's just in case of cake.

   Everyone is gifted. But not everyone opens their present.