Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Kilometers are shorter than miles. So I'll be taking my next trip in kilometers to try and save some gas.

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   I'll have a cheeseburger, minus the burger, cheese, bread, and add tequila

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   Don't know why the wife gets so disgusted when I go to the bathroom in the shower.If you step on it a few times it won't clog the drain.

   “Come on, dude. Grow a pear.” - farmer to a barren tree

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   My toilet swallows so many loads that I purchased a wig to go over the tank.

   Doing my own stunts on Facebook since 2009.

   If I was a cab driver, I'd whisper "I could have kept you" to passengers before they got out.

   I'm only going to waste 23 hours tomorrow.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   Every time I hear someone say "The Lord works in mysterious ways," I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

   The problem with America today is if you rob a bank, you have to bring your own sacks with “$” on them.

   No one ever gives me a hand, but I often get a finger.

   I wish getting old meant growing a majestic pair of antlers.

   If Microsoft Word has taught me anything it's that if I want to get a point across, I need to use bullets.

   In the movie of life, I'd probably be credited as "Bar Guy #3".

   I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".