MIKE m Funny Status Messages

   The Laker's championship rings were so huge that Justin Bieber was seen court-side wearing one as a choker. 

   Nothing says "My boyfriend is a cholo!" quite like a hickey.

   Many of you have asked what my ex-wife looks like. Just look up in the sky tonight... she's the one on the broom.

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   Every morning after my coffee I use the skills I learned while taking Lamaze classes: Breathing techniques, and timing the contractions.  

   Do yourself a favor and stay off of a scale for at least a month! Trust me...

   If normal is a relative term, then why aren't my relatives normal?

   When deciding which self-checkout line to stand in, I don't look to see how many items they have, I look to see how intelligent they look.

   The hospitals are running low on plasma and need donations. Apparently people bought more TVs for Christmas than they expected so they need to make more.

   What I miss most about having kids in diapers is that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after I ate Mexican food.

   You know you've been facebooking too much when you're watching TV and you try to unfriend a channel. 

   The doctor handed me a referral note to see a specialist. I looked at it and said, "And I'd like you to see Mrs. Anderson, my 3rd grade teacher... she did wonders for my handwriting!"

   My ex-wife was spending to much at the nail salon every month so I had her declawed... which later I was greatful for during the divorce.

   Seismologists are nothing but a bunch of fault finders...

   Dear 5 HOUR ENERGY ®, Some of us work 8 hours. Sincerely, A None-Government Employee

   When you love someone you check and recheck and then check again to make sure it's them you're sending a text to.

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?

   I'm thinking of converting my car to steam power. I think if I actually burned the $1 bills I'd get more bang for my buck.

   Rough draft for fb: If men were as flexible as dogs, wives would make their husbands wear cones or they'd never go to work.

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...