Aaron Funny Status Messages

   If you REALLY want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2022.

   Cats will be the hardest zombies to kill, with their -9 lives and all.

   In my will, I'm giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn't say a word.

   I like the way you think. It's almost as if you don't.

   "I knew you'd be back." -The Drawing Board

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   Some people should not be allowed to have cell phones in their cars. Not me though, I can drive with my knee.

   Every obese person needs a shirt that says "I beat Anorexia"

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.

   My least favorite part of Sunday mornings is being hungover when you have to find a place to hide the body.

   Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste! Just learned how to cut and paste!

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   Please have the courtesy to let me go to hell in my own sweet fashion.

   Today is the 2nd day of the rest of your life. Yep, yesterday was the 1st day and you totally wasted it didn't you.

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say "Didn't you read my facebook status updates?"

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was tense.

   Jesus, take the wheel. My beer just rolled under the seat..

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'. Then ask them to hurry.

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.