Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman's mom felt reading him a bedtime story?

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   I'm not saying I'm clumsy but every time I try to open a lounge chair, The Entertainer starts playing out of nowhere.

   I just want to live in a world where you don't have to update Adobe flash every day

   I'm just here to finish my community service hours.

   I can't be trusted with your alphabet magnets.

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.

   You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It's the celery of pets.

   [job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish... Would you care to expand on that?

   Listen,,, If self-deprecation was a competitive sport,,, I probably wouldn't even get a medal.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   (Giving TED talk) Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!... *he does and a mousetrap snaps on his hand*... Me: trust no one *audience claps*

   I personally prefer Right Twix because I don't agree with Left Twix's stance on crumb control.

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   I just changed my voicemail greeting to “Seriously?”

   Hey,,,,Only quitters will say you don't eat the corn dog stick.

   Me: But God, where did the second set of footprints go?.. God: That's when you were dating that psycho. I wasn't sticking around for that.