Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   I bet Mormons and Jehovah's Witnesses are the highest level Pokémon Go players.

   Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?.. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?. <YES>.. Thank you for installing Adobe Flash. A new version is available. Install?

   All I'm say'n, Is in the past thirty years, the baby to dingo ratio has gotten severely out of hand.

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.

   (snail newsroom) "Another slow news day, fellas?".. *Newsroom erupts into laughter... {snails start a slow-clap}

   Judge: And how does the defendant plead?...... Me: *lips right on mic* 1 dollar, Bob.

   Not to brag,,, but I have the high score on 7 different blood pressure machines around the city. *enters initials

   Honey,, Why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer's office?

   I left a restaurant last night because it was too loud... Am I in AARP now?

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   Bartender on the phone. "Oh, ,hey.." Sees a priest, a rabbi, and a horse walk in " dude, let me call you back. This is going to be amazing"

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.

   All I'm saying is, would it have killed Star Wars to give the audience a peek at the Death Star cafeteria?

   NEWS FLASH: Facebook will expand it's efforts to stop online hate speech,, *in other words, they will be shutting down until after the election

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.