Snotty Funny Status Messages

   TSA: Sir, you can't bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight... Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?

   Yes,,, 4 out of 5 dentists recommend you brush your teeth... But the 5th one gets the most business.es,,,

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   My Indian name is 'Dances with Panda Express'.

   If Santa Claus had a FB account,,,, none of us would get presents.

   Ironically, Seattle's Marco Polo Motel does not have a pool.

   Oh, you’re a ceiling fan?... Name three ceilings then... Yeah,,, I didn't think so

   [God creating bees].. And,,, Put a needle on it's butt... ANGEL: “Come on God, wha—?“... GOD: Oh, and make it's puke delicious... ANGEL:“Can we just call it quits for the day?”... GOD: NO, and I want you to paint stripes on it..

   *Bites into a grilled cheese sandwich*... *cuts tongue*... Wtf,, this IS sharp cheddar

   I remember back in the 80s,,, BEFORE the Internet really existed,, that MTV used to randomly Rick Roll everyone.

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   Remember yesterday was September.... So,, Only three more months of summer

   There is no way Hollywood could remake "The Ring" for millennials,,, because none of them would answer the phone.

   Gameshow Fact: Every time a girl buys "a D",,, Pat hip-thrusts off camera.

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   [Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**

   911: Sir, I understand you think it was an aggressive move, and against your will,,, but we can't arrest an auto flush toilet.... Me: BUT I WASN'T READY

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   *Sees a truck: Nice... *Sees a trucker: Oh, impressive... *Sees a truckest: Ah yes,, This is what I came for.

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.