Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Oh,,, Life's all fun and games till you get the first lemon.

   Hey,, Has anyone tried giving ISIS a snickers bar?

   Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.

   If you've considered robbing Ryan Lochte,,,, now would be the perfect time.

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   It's illegal to destroy US currency but my wife just bought a Kia Sportage which is pretty much the same thing.

   Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we're married & live together so I'd have to see them every day.

   If the US admits that Trump's presidential campaign is a hoax,,, then Australia says it'll come clean about the platypus.

   You stopped at a gas station for a pee break? C'mon, Ryan Lochte ,,, you spent 90 percent of your life in a public pool.

   I wrote you a little song. It's called, "Stop including me in group texts or I'm going to cut you."

   I'm so tired,,, United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Why do I do this?... Cuz,, Laughter is an instant vacation

   GOOD DAY SIR !!!... And thank you for the "World of pure imagination"... r.i.p.

   Traitor Joe: Hmmm,, how can I regain people's trust AND sell groceries at the same time?

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   someone stole my mood ring....and I'm just not sure how I feel about that

   Listen,,, If you're not writing letters to random male prisoners,, you're really not "trying everything" to find a man.