Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A bird crapped in my hair earlier today,,, in case you were wondering why the birdhouse in my back yard has so many bullet holes in it.

   I Saw a Vespa crash into a Toyota Prius today...... There was glitter everywhere.

   My ceiling fan has three settings: -- very slow -- Medium ,, and --I'm about to fly off the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident

   Yes,, I'm just posting for the sake of posting.. I'm sorry that my posts aren't curing cancer like yours are.

   If my dad were alive today he would say, "Son,, stop telling people I'm dead".

   Give a woman a compliment, she'll smile for a day.. Teach a woman to fish for compliments & she'll be annoying for the rest of her life.

   I'm gonna get one of those giant, old-timey bicycles. You know the type, where if you tipped over you fell 20ft. and died..... yeah,,one of those

   You can tell how well people cut their grass,, by the way they color things in,, on "Draw Something."

   Yes, I hate you,,, but I'm not in hate, with you.

   It is a FACT: Girls with cats, are WAY more single than girls with dogs.

   NEWS FLASH: The Bush's baked beans dog finally speaks out, says dogs actually hate Sarah McLachlan.

   I just had a cup of coffee "So Bad",, that it actually played bass guitar for Nickleback........... Horrible coffee,,,Yuck,,Ptuuey..

   "I'm not mad." - My wife when she's mad,,, Well,, actually EVERY woman when she's mad

   My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   Heard the Kardashians referred to as "American Royalty" on the radio today.....Currently in the bathroom taking an "American Royalty"

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   You know you've made it,, when your joke makes its way back to you in someone else's Facebook status