Snotty Funny Status Messages

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions

   This donut scented car air freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

   WAIT,,,I Just read that grizzly bears can run faster than horses?. THEN WHY AREN'T WE RIDING GRIZZLY BEARS?

   I'm sad I'll never get to see the joy and confusion on some archeologist's face when, in a few thousand years, he tries to explain the "Shake Weight" ..

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?