Flinnie Funny Status Messages

   Every time I see a girl I went to college with, I ask her if we had sex and we laugh and laugh and laugh and then I welcome her to Walmart.

   I don't remember if the toilet water was blue or not before I sat down, so there's a chance I'm magical.

   Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   We all need to make a pact right now that there will be riots if Hollywood tries to remake The Goonies

   I have to ask my wife where she wants to go for dinner at 1 pm so that the restaurant is still open once she finally makes a decision

   Turns out saying "I'm just trying to be supportive" is not a good excuse for trying to hold a girl's boobs

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   According to the TV ads, using Crest whitening strips will make your teeth shiny enough to use as an illumination devices.

   Gonna sleep like a baby tonight: with a bottle and wet pants.

   Learn to spell, Auto Correct isn't always write

   A concussion? A broken hand? There has to be a PETA member somewhere with a Mike Vick voodoo doll

   People wearing neckbraces should wear a t-shirt explaining why.

   When we set our clocks back, will that effect "Hammer Time"?

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   Now that we've seen Nancy Grace's nipple on Dancing with the Stars, the FCC should pay Janet Jackson back every dime

   Sarcasm is not a way of speaking, it is a way of life.

   Just got out of a speeding ticket by confessing to a murder I didn't commit.

   When the homeless guy who lives in the dumpster asks you to subscribe to his podcast, don't, just trust me on this

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.