Snotty Funny Status Messages

   That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate

   If you don't enjoy scaring dogs by talking through a cardboard wrapping paper tube, don't bother stopping by my house on Christmas morning.

   I'm NOT political,,,,, just wondering if the 'once you go black' rule applies to presidents...

   I always read my Krispy Kreme order from a pretend list,, so they think I'm getting donuts for the whole office.

   ACME Rockets has filed for bankruptcy after losing both N. Korea and Wile E. Coyote's accounts.

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   I think as part of the lap band surgery process you should have to fly to Ethiopia,,, and tell 10 people what it is and why you need it.

   My doctor told me that I'm healthy enough for sex but he thinks it would ruin our relationship,, and since things are already kinda strained ......... No..

   This bottle of beer is not only delicious,,,, It also contains almost 10% of my daily requirement of beer...

   The guy behind me has a theory that driving his car up my arse will make the 20 cars in front of me speed up.. Hmmm,, It's just crazy enough to work.

   Hmmm,, So what you're saying, is that if the parrot is on his right shoulder,,, he's a butt pirate?.. Ummm, I'm only here to get my parking validated.

   Give a man a fish,, and with MY LUCK,, he'll heat it up in our office microwave.

   This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.

   I think I want to start today with a nutritious bowl of oatmeal,,, Cause it'll prepare me for all of the other disappointments the day will provide.

   If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, YOU'LL FIND SOME WAY TO BLAME ME FOR THAT TOO, WON'T YOU, SUSAN?

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.