Nipper Funny Status Messages

   I took a poll recently, and 100% of strippers were angry they had nothing to dance on.

   Today a homeless man stuck a hand out at me and said 'spare change'His hand was empty, I think the pr!ck was teasing me, so I took his dog

   During filming of an episode of 'Happy Days' in 1976, The Fonz had a stroke causing him to say "Eyyyyyyyy" for 4 months straight.

   For future reference, farmers get super pissed if you sneak onto their property & chase their livestock with a Taser. It’s been a good day.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?' Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please? ''Who?' Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'

   Not sure if my doctor is a righty or a lefty but I'm pretty sure he shouldn't have had both on my shoulders during that prostate exam.

   I actually feel bad for Justin Bieber. No girl should have to take a picture without her makeup on

   It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist's finger before she stops believing that you're doing it accidentally.

   My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.

   Be careful when you're thmoking a metal bowl in thub thero temperaturths.

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   There is nothing better than a woman who's a screamer, even if it is because she just caught you spying in her window.

   I have so many different drug habits, I had to write them all down in a book. I call it..,,........Addictionary.

   I've got my own personal team of police who follow me around wherever I go out cuz that’s how I parole.

   Super Bowl Sunday: when people talk over the game and shut up during commercials. Go USA

   If I've learned one thing from Philip Seymour Hoffman's death, it's that someone needs to introduce Bieber to heroin.

   I'm having a really bad hair day. All the humidity at this pool is making my hair frizzy, unmanageable, and hang outside my Speedo.