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Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. 
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
I don’t trust children. They’re here to replace us.
When Jill whispers in Joes ear she hears an echo.
Can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
When all else fails, there’s always delusion.
Just when I am about to give up hope for society, I see a little old lady smile and give up her seat for a pregnant man.
Not only did Benjamin Franklin discover electricity, he was also our greatest president.
Are you from Mississippi? Because you're the only miss whose piss I'd sippi
Anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man’s best friend is his dog.
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits in the newspaper.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive, and all the impersonators would be dead.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
If you think you have it tough, read history books. 