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Accidentally called out my dentist's name during my colonoscopy. 
Inflation is so bad that bedbugs are now infesting sleeping bags and tents, because they can't afford to stay in hotels anymore.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
If you hate yourself, remember you’re not alone. A lot of other people hate you too.
Before I get into shape, does anyone like me chubby?
BREAKING: “Man” in critical condition after hearing a slightly different viewpoint.
If you’re feeling bad about how little you have achieved, remember that Bram Stoker didn’t write Dracula until he was 50, and Dracula didn’t kill anyone until he was dead.
Ladies, post your man, lets see who has the same one.
How can you face your problem, if your problem is your face?
I can’t work today, there’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation. Boss: You can’t skip work just because the sun is out.
As a child seeing a scary movie and being afraid of the dark. As an adult seeing my electric bill and being afraid of the light.
“Hope we didn’t need that.” Me, vacuuming.
2022 pickup lines be like: Hey baby, wanna see my bunker and check out my canned food collection?
Million dollar idea. Pizza toppings on the bottom, will call them Bottomings!
Random Person: Let’s take our hearts for a walk in the woods and listen to the magic whispers of old trees. Me: Can I buy some drugs from you?
Ladies, it’s time to start thinking about if the guy you’re dating has post-apocalyptic warlord potential.
Her: So, I slept with 3 guys before I met you. Him: Omg Karen, I was only 20 minutes late.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road. Me: Sorry, I’m English. Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Do one thing every day that scares you. Text someone first. Ask your crush to hang out. Pick a fight with a raccoon. The only one stopping you is yourself.
Apocalypse Scenario #253: Everyone just sort of gives up one day. 