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Burn a body in a crematorium and you're "being respectful". . . Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence". 
ATTENTION EVERYONE: I have an announcement to make. Santa just confirmed that I have been very good this year!
Christmas is truly a magical time. It's made all my money disappear!
Omicron and Delta is an anagram for Media Control.
Dear Facebook: Stop suggesting people I may know. Yes I know them. But I don't like them.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party.
I don't know why people see a stutter as being a negative thing. I love people with stutters. It's like they're giving you a drum roll before they start talking.
I just want to be fit enough to put my seatbelt on, without crying.
Here's a Christmas Idea for yas... Cheech and Chong advent calendars with 1 gram of different weed a day .
Dear Santa: Either you give me what I want for Christmas or I'll turn Rudolph and Comet into a piece of deer jerky. Make it happen, fat man!
perkatory (PUR kah tawr ē) n.: The anguished, prolonged period of time waiting for a fresh pot of coffee to finish brewing.
Took my car into the mechanic. It was making a horrible high-pitched squeal. He said it was coming from the the Mariah Carey Christmas CD.
It's all fun and games. . . Until Santa checks the naughty list.
Jussie, you've been found guilty but please don't beat yourself up over it.
If there are kids singing Christmas carols outside, is it rude to open the door and throw beer cans at them? Because I just did that.
I hate when the Doctor asks awkward questions. "Are you sexually active?" Depends on what you mean by "active". There are plenty of "active" volcanoes that haven't gone off in over 50 years.
» Developer in Progress » DiscordJS, Java
I went to the party store to buy a balloon and it was $3.25. When I was a kid that would’ve been a quarter at most. Then I realized… I guess that due to the cost of inflation
No thanks. Jingle all the way sounds exhausting
Elton John is to release a charity record for victims of the Kentucky tornado disaster! "Candles In The Wind" 