Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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01-19-2023 02:22
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Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.
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01-10-2023 02:29
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Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.
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01-19-2023 04:15
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(Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
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01-23-2023 02:54
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Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
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01-23-2023 03:01
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How come all the single ladies don’t need no man at all, but all the married men need two ladies, I’m confused.
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06-26-2022 00:14
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Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂
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01-24-2023 00:14
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The Supreme Court is like regular court, except it comes with sour cream and tomatoes.
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06-26-2022 08:27 by Danyul
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A word to the wise isn’t necessary, it’s the dumb ones that need the advice.
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07-23-2022 00:04
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I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.
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01-23-2023 03:51
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The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.
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04-20-2022 02:02
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I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel. Nerds takes the edge off.
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04-29-2022 00:46
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Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?
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01-06-2023 01:15
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Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
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01-09-2023 03:32
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A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.
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06-07-2022 17:21
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Everyone agrees, when you censor the ones who don’t.
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06-21-2022 22:44
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Turned 40 today, and I can feel my idgaf powers growing and coursing through my veins.
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06-26-2022 00:15
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When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.
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01-08-2023 14:50
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It doesn’t feel like I’m getting older. It’s more like my warranty has expired.
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01-08-2023 00:54
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My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
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01-08-2023 01:07
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