Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4281 of 6367
Hi, and welcome to Necrophiliac Club. Now who wants a cold one?
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02-23-2015 13:46
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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
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02-24-2015 18:12 by Zinc
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When my parents told me to make something of myself, I don't think a mockery is what they had in mind.
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02-25-2015 12:52
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"I'm not very photogenic" in other words you're ugly.
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02-26-2015 14:47 by Anthony
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I'm like Hank Williams Jr. but instead of all my rowdy friends coming over tonight they are getting married and having children before me
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02-27-2015 05:55
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"So it says here on your resume that you are a 'master debater'?" "Yeah, umm... well... that is a typo"
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02-27-2015 09:42
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Women are like Algebra equations. Whatever you do on one side, you have to do to the other.
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02-27-2015 14:03
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According to math, hindsite is 1
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02-27-2015 14:04
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Nobody thought to inject the blood of Benedict Cumberbatch to save Leonard Nimoy? Perhaps this is why I'm not a doctor...
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02-27-2015 14:08
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Beginning of relationship- 1) Don’t ever change. 2) You have to change. 3) You’ve changed. -End of relationship-
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02-28-2015 22:44 by BEGO
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"Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"
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03-05-2015 10:09
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Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?
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03-05-2015 10:14
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My deepest, darkest secret is that I put my pants on two legs at a time. I feel so alone.
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03-07-2015 10:41
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Girl: I’ll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I’ll be giving her half of my food
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03-09-2015 06:44
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There are only three things in life that are certain: Taxes, Death, and people's belief that anyone cares about the weather where they live.
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03-11-2015 09:10
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BOSS: I'm going to need you to get your creative juices flowing. ME: Okay, but I'm going to need to watch some porn first.
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03-12-2015 08:28
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How a teenage boy sees food: If there's a lot of something, he won't touch it. If the quantity is limited, he'll eat all of it.
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03-12-2015 11:19
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Hillary Clinton was reported as saying, "Ok, but I used Google voice so it was just oral text and that doesn't count"...
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03-12-2015 13:33
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How does a cricket know when his joke bombed?
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03-19-2015 15:06
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What's the opposite of carpe, because that's what I'll be doing to the day.
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03-20-2015 08:36
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